I Kissed Dating Hello

I don't know if you remember this fad, but when I was in junior high there was a lot of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" going on.  Granted, I was in youth group, and that's where I primarily heard of this book and fad.  At the time, I had no boyfriend and no prospects so I saw the good in this plan:  Don't date, find the right one, "court," and live happily every after.

Then college hit.  My freshmen year I was so busy performing, making new friends, and exploring Southern California that I hadn't even begun to think about dating.  Then, I hit my sophomore year, moved to more of a "party" school, and suddenly men seemed to notice me.  I had no idea what to do.  I also didn't know how to say "no."  I had spent so much time being told not to date, and that "courting" was better, but never saw it in action.  What did healthy dating look like?  What were ok boundaries?  I had also spent a lot of time learning and believing in abstinence (which I still do, but that's a whole other story), that I had never discussed what was allowed.

So, along came over-18-boyfriend #1.  I spent 4 hours trying to talk him into not dating me (that should have been a red flag).  I spent a year dating him because I felt bad.

 That year and the years to follow also helped me come to some conclusions that I'd like to share with you.

Some Good Casual Dating Rules (Serious Dating Rules to come...but this is just if you're trying to have fun) (Double side note:  These are mostly written from a female viewpoint because..well, I'm a female.  I'd argue you can apply these to men, too):

This really happened...multiple times because of funny friends.

1.  Date and HAVE FUN!  It's ok to say "yes" to a date just because.  This helped me to do a lot of new things, and to meet people in a new place.

2.  If you don't like someone after that initial date, tell them.  Be honest.  And if the guy takes you're "I just want to be friends, and I'm not that interested" as a "I'm saying no now in hopes that you'll keep chasing me and making awkward comments," then guess what--you can't be friends.  Stop talking to him.  Don't lead him on for your own self-esteem issues.

3.  Don't date someone who cries more than you, especially when you're me because I feel like I cry a LOT.  Seriously.  Crying is OK, but if it's ALL the time, then there may be some deeper issues.  (This is more of a personal rule..or was, at least until I found my perfect guy.  Maybe you need someone to cry with..)

4.  If you're uncomfortable with certain physical aggression then SAY SO.  If they cross that line again, off with their heads.  Well, at least stop dating them.  It wasn't an accident.  Respect yourself.  (Side note, have some kind of boundaries.  I wish I had learned this faster.  It's important to know what is too much for you, what should be saved for someone special.  If you don't have definite lines, they'll get crossed.  Trust me.)

5.  Date someone that has their own interests and passions.  Take turns showing each other your interests.  Don't date someone who just latches on.  A) That's annoying and B) it'll get old.  Be different.

6.  Don't read into EVERYTHING.  As tempting as it may be to look at a text and misinterpret it, RESIST.  Don't look crazy, it's too soon.

7.  Be honest.  Have a question?  Wonder if they like you?  Ask.  What do you honestly have to lose?  It'll hurt if you get rejected, but it will save you wasting your time and wondering.  It's freeing when you have the confidence to say, "Hey, I am starting to see you beyond a friend.  I just want us to be on the same page, so what are your thoughts about that?  Do you see me as just a friend or more?"  Then, walk away with a smile no matter their answer, because YOU ARE AWESOME (with or without them).

They may have terrible grammar, but I agree.

8.  Don't lose yourself in another person or whether there's a man in your life.  It's not fair to you, to them, or to your friends who have been around a lot longer.  Have girls' nights, have hobbies, be ok being alone, and don't lose sight of who you are.  Because if they stick around, awesome, if not, you're still YOU.

9.  Keep your things separate, ESPECIALLY when you just started dating, but I'd argue this even long-term dating:  don't get credit cards together, don't combine bank accounts, don't split a car, don't adopt a puppy, etc.  Make sure that if you break up, you will be fine and will not be reminded of them EVERY DAY, or no longer be able to afford your awesome new car.  Seriously.

10.  Last, but not least, be attracted to the person.  I know this sounds shallow, but attraction is necessary.  If it's not there, it's not there.  Not everyone will be attracted to you, deal with it.

Now, I learned a lot of these lessons the hard way, some the funniest ways possible, and some I learned by just watching my friends messing up.  However, I will say that if you are someone who struggles with getting attached or assuming you're in a relationship too quickly, then maybe don't kiss dating hello.  Not everyone can date casually and still be emotionally and physically intact.  I just wish I had learned some of these or had someone to talk to about them first.  Just, please, I beg you, have some standards!  That's all :)

Oh yeah, and have fun!

Lesson learned,
Mrs. B.

Before and After and The Future

Recently, I read an article about how you are actually what you've accomplished, what you can do, and what you can offer to the world.  That saying qualities about yourself (i.e. I'm nice, funny, and clean) is not worth much when it comes down to it.  The article talks about how you are using those qualities to produce something.

Then I saw another article about 23 things to accomplish before you're 23 other than getting married.  Part of it was funny, and part of it was kind of...nonsensical.  The article talks about how huge marriage is and that you should enjoy life and do crazy things, then they suggest opening a business (I think they were going for humor...and to emphasize their point of doing anything but get married).  But the logical me thought, "Open a business?!  Adopt a pet?!  That's worse than getting married.  WAY more responsibility.  I can take my husband with me, I couldn't always take a pet.  I couldn't leave a brand new business.  Thank God I didn't do THAT!"

But then I started reflecting since it's New Years time frame.  And I wondered if I had accomplished anything.  Will marriage stop me?  What have I done since being married?  Well, in typical me-fashion, I made some lists:

Me Before Marriage:

• Graduated high school with multiple scholarship offers
• Loved theatre and got paid to do it, and did it as often as possible
• Led youth groups and taught theatre
• Graduated college with 2 degrees
• Moved many times
• Went through many hardships and heartbreaks successfully
• Cooked good food
• Made friends and loved on those friends
• Traveled to 4 countries and worked in 2 of them
• Road tripped
• Started a career
• Decorated my own apartment
• Hiked a LOT

Me Since Being Married:

• Traveled to 7 countries
• Tried 2 new winter sports
• Hiked new rocks
• Had a new job; quit
• Still with career
• Road tripped
• Went to professional sporting events
• Love theatre & plan to audition at the next opportunity
• Cook even better food
• Love my friends
• Plan surprises for my husband
• Gotten much better at Mario Party
• Planning to get my Masters 
• Looking into future career switch

Hmm...Not bad.  Conclusion:  Marriage encourages me and pushes me forward.  Now I just have someone to share my adventures with, and to help me discover new passions.  I kind of love my life :)  

Future Goals:

• Career Change
• Try some new things
• Work Out..anything.  
• Move!  (With my husband)

Lesson learned and new lessons to come,

Mrs. B.

New Year and The Great Facebook Debate: Single Vs. Married

Oops, I forgot to post my last entry when I finished it, so today brings two.  (I'm currently trying to grade papers..and this is a much better distraction.)

It's 2014!  Wooohooo!  The last year brought about a lot of change to my life--some of it heartbreaking, some of it mediocre, and some of it life-changing.  I also saw a lot of changes to my Facebook friends--it seems like SOOOO many got engaged or married.

Pre-married, when I used to see that, I would start to feel alone.  I'll be honest, I thought I was the ONLY single person in the world.  At times, if I was close to the person, I may have even judged a smidgeon and thought, "That's awful fast.  Do you even know each other?"  However, it never stopped me from living my life and from accomplishing what I wanted.  Most people get lonely, and when that happens Facebook can be terrible in rubbing it in. However, loneliness or fear of being the only single person is not a justifiable reason for assuming everyone getting married is doing so out of desperation or fear of being alone.  I'm sure some people do that, and I'm sure it's annoying to see it all the time.

However, when you got your puppy, did you post about it on Facebook?  Or your fish or your cat or your new nephew or niece?  Yes, you did.  I know this because I have SOOO many pictures of dogs, cats, and babies.  When you looked good one day did you take a picture of yourself and put it up?  You sure did.  So, why is it wrong that when someone gets engaged, looks good in a picture with their significant other, or changes their life and says, "I do," that they post about it?  It's not, actually.  You just don't want to deal with the real issue:  yourself, your insecurities, your fears, or your feelings of loss (once everyone is married, who will I hang out with?  That's hard..Trust me, I know.)  But to be honest, when you post those feelings out loud or put up statuses like "Single is so great.  Here is an article about how your marriage will fail because you rushed it/are too young, etc.", it kind of makes you look...not so great to be polite.

If someone rushed their marriage and it does end, then I hope that you will be there to comfort them, and to remind them of how GREAT single life is.  Not there to condemn them or tell them "I told you so."  I also hope that when you find the greatest love of your life, you suddenly realize why people make a decision to commit their life to one person.  I EVEN *gasp* hope YOU POST ABOUT IT!

I also hope that whether you are single or married, you are doing things for YOU to make YOU happy.  I hope you have goals, and dreams.  I hope you accomplish them.  I also hope that you practice loving others, and sacrificing, and being less selfish.  And, last, I hope you're not relying on anyone to bring you that happiness.

So here's my challenge, instead of posting about how great single life is, or posts seeded with jealousy/insecurities, go DO something!  Prove it.  And I'll prove that marriage is AMAZING, and that I'm still DOING something, too.  Then, we'll hang out, have coffee, and share our adventures.

Lesson Learned,
Mrs. B.

Christmas Music & Its Importance to Relationships

Happy holidays!
I have had a great few days reflecting on love--love in family, Christ, relationships, and friendships.  Starting new traditions, staring at Christmas lights on a tree, looking at ornaments, and listening to Christmas music.  The latter was just an assumed part of the Christmas season.  Beginning December 1st it was socially acceptable to bring out the tunes and sing merrily along, looking forward to the 25th.  At least that was how my life used to be...

Little did I know that not everyone has the same preferences in Christmas music.  In fact, I had no idea that there was a wide variety available.  I figured if they got the words right to Santa Baby, Baby, It's Cold Outside, and could jingle all the way then it was probably great.  Then my husband heard my music.  He didn't say anything the first day, but the second day when he requested we NOT listen to Christmas music, I knew something was wrong. NOT LISTEN TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC DECEMBER 2ND?!?!  WHAAAAT?!  Either I married a stranger, or he had a comment.  Thankfully, the former was it.  He kindly, lovingly informed me, he just didn't really "like" some of my music.  Reasonable, right?  We all have musical differences.. Nope.

It was clearly the end of the world, which I had no issue expressing.  How could we not enjoy the same seasonal magic?  Christmas was ruined.  In fact, maybe our marriage was doomed.  I didn't think we'd ever overcome this tragedy.  Premarital counseling DID NOT prepare me for this shock.  No book or person EVER mentioned discussing Christmas music.  I was afraid.  (Am I dramatic?  Maybe...ok, yes. A lot.  But I recognize it so I like to think that helps make it an endearing attribute.)

After realizing how upset I was, he quickly reassured me that in fact, no, our marriage was not doomed.  He loved me, and Christmas wasn't over.  He would listen to it.  After a little bit for me to come up from the depths of despair, I decided that maybe we could cure this.  It was just "some" of the songs, right?  So, I would play my iTunes Christmas playlist and he could just delete the songs he didn't like.  He was tentative to agree, (he's a really smart guy), but eventually succumbed with the promise that I wouldn't take it personally.

At first, the "delete" didn't seem that often.  Then I felt like it was EVERY SINGLE song.  So I turned it off and fled to throw myself upon the bed as we were back at the beginning.  Ay ya ya, I'm exhausted, and the poor man has to live with me.  He quickly came and comforted me, and once again offered to listen to my music.  I spared him, but let him rub  my feet (hey, my Christmas music was just DELETED).

Needless to say, I realized pretty quickly that Christmas music would never break my marriage, and that we are different in some ways.  I still like to tease him, and Christmas wasn't ruined.  But it made me think--would I be willing to "listen to annoying music" of everyone I love?  This is figurative, ps.  But really, how unconditional is my love?  If they hurt my feelings once, am I quick to flee into the depths of despair?  And will they come chasing after me?  It depends, to be honest.  I tend to overdramatize (shocking, again, I know), but sometimes I can't describe how much something really hurts.  And then when they don't chase after me (this is also figurative, since I don't dramatically run away. I just withdraw...a little at a time), I assume that I meant nothing to them.  That I'm not missed.  But then, how often do I chase after people?  How often do I let go of my pride, my busy-ness, and call and call?  I lose interest pretty quickly or get tired.  But we all know, sometimes we just want to be chased, we want to be needed and wanted.

There are few people who have taught me about unconditional love:  Jesus, my mom, my husband, and very few amazing friends.  They have seen me at my worse, they have seen me when I have nothing to offer (not even a joke), they have chased me, they have given without expecting anything, and they've never given up on me (at least not to my face).  That's powerful.

I hope to be a better friend, and to make an effort.  I've decided that the art of friendship is making effort, and then having the ability to see when someone is trying.  I also plan to revamp my Christmas music and have a mutual likeable mix of it by Christmas 2014 ;)

Lesson learned,
Mrs. B.