I Kissed Dating Hello

I don't know if you remember this fad, but when I was in junior high there was a lot of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" going on.  Granted, I was in youth group, and that's where I primarily heard of this book and fad.  At the time, I had no boyfriend and no prospects so I saw the good in this plan:  Don't date, find the right one, "court," and live happily every after.

Then college hit.  My freshmen year I was so busy performing, making new friends, and exploring Southern California that I hadn't even begun to think about dating.  Then, I hit my sophomore year, moved to more of a "party" school, and suddenly men seemed to notice me.  I had no idea what to do.  I also didn't know how to say "no."  I had spent so much time being told not to date, and that "courting" was better, but never saw it in action.  What did healthy dating look like?  What were ok boundaries?  I had also spent a lot of time learning and believing in abstinence (which I still do, but that's a whole other story), that I had never discussed what was allowed.

So, along came over-18-boyfriend #1.  I spent 4 hours trying to talk him into not dating me (that should have been a red flag).  I spent a year dating him because I felt bad.

 That year and the years to follow also helped me come to some conclusions that I'd like to share with you.

Some Good Casual Dating Rules (Serious Dating Rules to come...but this is just if you're trying to have fun) (Double side note:  These are mostly written from a female viewpoint because..well, I'm a female.  I'd argue you can apply these to men, too):

This really happened...multiple times because of funny friends.

1.  Date and HAVE FUN!  It's ok to say "yes" to a date just because.  This helped me to do a lot of new things, and to meet people in a new place.

2.  If you don't like someone after that initial date, tell them.  Be honest.  And if the guy takes you're "I just want to be friends, and I'm not that interested" as a "I'm saying no now in hopes that you'll keep chasing me and making awkward comments," then guess what--you can't be friends.  Stop talking to him.  Don't lead him on for your own self-esteem issues.

3.  Don't date someone who cries more than you, especially when you're me because I feel like I cry a LOT.  Seriously.  Crying is OK, but if it's ALL the time, then there may be some deeper issues.  (This is more of a personal rule..or was, at least until I found my perfect guy.  Maybe you need someone to cry with..)

4.  If you're uncomfortable with certain physical aggression then SAY SO.  If they cross that line again, off with their heads.  Well, at least stop dating them.  It wasn't an accident.  Respect yourself.  (Side note, have some kind of boundaries.  I wish I had learned this faster.  It's important to know what is too much for you, what should be saved for someone special.  If you don't have definite lines, they'll get crossed.  Trust me.)

5.  Date someone that has their own interests and passions.  Take turns showing each other your interests.  Don't date someone who just latches on.  A) That's annoying and B) it'll get old.  Be different.

6.  Don't read into EVERYTHING.  As tempting as it may be to look at a text and misinterpret it, RESIST.  Don't look crazy, it's too soon.

7.  Be honest.  Have a question?  Wonder if they like you?  Ask.  What do you honestly have to lose?  It'll hurt if you get rejected, but it will save you wasting your time and wondering.  It's freeing when you have the confidence to say, "Hey, I am starting to see you beyond a friend.  I just want us to be on the same page, so what are your thoughts about that?  Do you see me as just a friend or more?"  Then, walk away with a smile no matter their answer, because YOU ARE AWESOME (with or without them).

They may have terrible grammar, but I agree.

8.  Don't lose yourself in another person or whether there's a man in your life.  It's not fair to you, to them, or to your friends who have been around a lot longer.  Have girls' nights, have hobbies, be ok being alone, and don't lose sight of who you are.  Because if they stick around, awesome, if not, you're still YOU.

9.  Keep your things separate, ESPECIALLY when you just started dating, but I'd argue this even long-term dating:  don't get credit cards together, don't combine bank accounts, don't split a car, don't adopt a puppy, etc.  Make sure that if you break up, you will be fine and will not be reminded of them EVERY DAY, or no longer be able to afford your awesome new car.  Seriously.

10.  Last, but not least, be attracted to the person.  I know this sounds shallow, but attraction is necessary.  If it's not there, it's not there.  Not everyone will be attracted to you, deal with it.

Now, I learned a lot of these lessons the hard way, some the funniest ways possible, and some I learned by just watching my friends messing up.  However, I will say that if you are someone who struggles with getting attached or assuming you're in a relationship too quickly, then maybe don't kiss dating hello.  Not everyone can date casually and still be emotionally and physically intact.  I just wish I had learned some of these or had someone to talk to about them first.  Just, please, I beg you, have some standards!  That's all :)

Oh yeah, and have fun!

Lesson learned,
Mrs. B.